I have been fascinated by suicide for as long as I could remember. I’ve always read about it, watched documentaries and just been plain curious. For the most part it brings me back to the sheer horror I felt when I first discovered that death was a real thing.
I for one was not looking forward to it. Quite foolishly as a young girl I imagined people who committed suicide to be brave. I thought ‘hell, I don’t want to leave this planet, you’ve gotta make me!’ and here were these gallant soldiers ready to say ‘fuck it’ to this miserable world when the going got tough.
Years later I would discover that for some people that the pain they were experiencing far outweighed their coping mechanism and I can only imagine what kind of pain that could be where you just don’t want to be here anymore.
This is probably the first time I’m talking about this but the closest I ever got to really not wanting to ‘be here’ (because frankly saying it any other way is terrifying) was after a particularly bad break up. I slept with an entire bottle of pills (not a clue what sort) next to my bed. Every so often I would pick up the bottle curl my fingers around the cold plastic and it gave me a sense of relief. It may me feel as though if I really couldn’t handle it anymore, if my coping mechanisms just were not up to the task it could all be over. I slept through most of the day during that period but thankfully I got through and got better.
If you ever feel like all hope is lost- speak with someone. Life is mind fuck, life is hard. There are still many days when carrying on just doesn’t seem like an option. Adulting feels tedious, dreams seem so far out of reach you’re tempted to throw in the towel.
In as much as friends and family can help to be there and support you, speaking with an expert is a good idea. I feel guilty for telling others and even myself to ‘man up’ ‘suck it up’, especially when I know that’s the hardest thing to do when you’ve hit rock bottom.
The idea of suicide sometimes feels so far removed from our realities but many of us are struggling to cope and for many others rock bottom is a place of no return. Practice self-care, forgive yourself, regroup, speak to someone. Tomorrow you could feel newer, shinier…a little less broken.