Some days I find the world easier to navigate than others. I don’t know if that’s just because I’m at the age where everyone is desperate to find themselves, to be someone and to contribute to the world. Today is definitely one of those deep in my feelings kind of days where I’m thinking about everything from religion to my body to sex to my relationship with the world as a whole.
Whenever I am overwhelmed with trying to find answers within I almost immediately give up. Dealing with emotions so powerful you can taste them can be daunting and the reaction can lead you to switch off. In my case it can sometimes be anxiety so overwhelming I’m asking the parents to call an ambulance.
You can engulf yourself with so much shame, regret and guilt about even the most banal things as you search within yourself, it’s easy to want to give up.
“Someone will save me, something will happen, my big break is on its way, I won’t have to feel like this for much longer because something drastic is going to happen which alleviates me of all responsibility to continue this painful journey of making it through life sane”. I would repeat these thoughts to myself and convince myself almost, but the truth is nobody can ‘save’ me but me. And by ‘save’ what I really mean is feeling good about life and not having to face the sad days, the hard days, the days when self-discovery is torturous.
If you’re looking for your next relationship to save you, the next job offer, your next big writing break or even weight loss, chances are you’re shifting the responsibility of unpacking feelings of self-discovery unto things which may or may not happen.
When I’m confronted with feelings that are overwhelming or I find it difficult to manoeuvre through who I am, what I want or where I’m going I don’t want to run. I want to sit in the difficult pockets of pain and confusion until I have some sort of resolution. It can be a delicious feeling, knowing that you are able to get through and get past the emotional demons.
I can save me, I’m bigger than my next love story, job offer, big break or opportunity. I can save me, I can save me, I can save me, I can save me. Note to self~ Namaste