Happy New Year lovers. If like me your new year started with 7 henny shots and bar hopping with an Ethiopian lass in a see-through dress, you’re probably unsure what direction the year is taking. Along with pleasant highs came heart breaking news and it’s only the 12th day of the new year.
I’m currently fighting the urge to not do everything all at once. I’ve always said I love the ‘newness’ that the new year comes with but I hate that I also have this sudden urge to be the most productive I’ve ever been. I tell everyone I’m not making any new year’s resolutions whilst I silently make a bucket list of everything I MUST accomplish. Yup, I’m a fraud!
Whilst I’m hoping to eventually wean myself off the drug that is ‘putting too much pressure on oneself’, I am keen to have a great year, another year of further self-discovery and growth. I’m writing more, I’m expressing myself more and even more importantly I’m convincing myself that all my dreams are attainable.
This year I’m saying fuck it to toxic relationships, friends and habits and embracing a new level of confidence.
You can hit the ground running in January and still come to screeching halt. You can have a slow start to the new year and find that you pick up momentum as the year goes on. The new year can bring with it all sorts of pressures and highs and lows, all of which can be tricky to navigate, but you’ve got this.
Happy New Year ~ Namaste
Whilst my biggest heart breaks this year have come from platonic friendships, things on the romantic side of town haven’t been all that exciting. Failed romantic pursuits have always come with a lesson for me and I thoroughly enjoy dissecting my past relationships- albeit sometimes too obsessively.
I feel like I’m often choosing people who don’t choose me and if I’m being honest there are many times people choose me and I don’t choose them. C’est la vie.
Through heartbreak and tears and copious amounts of vegan and non-vegan chocolate, here are some things my failed romantic relationships have taught me:
My wig has been levitating all morning and actually in the grand scheme of things that’s my biggest worry. Well that and putting together my sister’s baby shower, trying to get on top of my work and not feeling guilty for being so unproductive the last couple of weeks (maybe months to be honest).
I got back from a girl’s holiday about a week ago and I’ve been thrust firmly into S.A. D’s hands. For those of you who are unaware S.A.D stands for seasonal affective disorder which is rife at this time of year because the season has changed. Autumn has given way to the lovely greyness (insert eye roll) which is winter which for me and millions of other people means everything feels like doom and gloom. The only thing keeping me going are festive Christmas lights and my hunt for almond milk Baileys.
I’ve spent the day engaged in internal warfare about productivity and in my quest for total honesty with myself have concluded that one of the things which affects my mood is not only feeling unproductive but being unproductive. I have therefore resolved to make a daily to do list and drumroll please………STICK WITH IT. Top of that list is to get right back into the swing of blogging and creative writing and everything in between which I love.
I’ll admit that after entering about 6 paid writing competitions and not even making it top 20 in any of these competitions my confidence took a bit of a knock. Nothing amazing happens out of comfort zones and so I’m challenging myself to write more and be unrestrained creatively.
I’ll put up a full update on my Cancun adventure soon but this was really to say hello and you’re amazing- whoever is reading this and it’s okay to say you’ve been a bum and whilst you’re striving to stay mentally sound it’s okay to give yourself a little kick up the behind to make small daily changes towards being more productive.
From panic attacks leading to multiple visits to A&E to jumping off the tube because I can’t ‘breathe’, I find the subtler ways anxiety affects my life to be more powerful. Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and whilst there’s plethora of information out there on days like that, it can also be very triggering. Triggering because you are reminded quite heavily how devastating mental health issues can be.
I haven’t slept very well in the last few weeks. That feeling of being suffocated wakes me up at least six times a night which generally makes me anxious about bed time. I am very happy to report however that general day to day living has been much more pleasurable and I think the following have helped with feelings of anxiety:
Changing my routine
I changed my route home! Now whilst that might seem like quite a trivial thing it has made a word of difference. I’ve started taking the bus home more often. I found even things like the possibility of missing my train home quite distressing and I have a suspicion a lot of people can relate to this. Palms get sweaty, heart’s racing, will I make this train? It was getting ridiculous. View Post
I’ve broken my camera whilst quad biking drunk in the desert in Dubai, engaged in a near brawl with racists, (tits nearly hanging out) in Prague and fallen in and out of love with a boy I met in Ibiza who also lived a few streets away from me in London. When I put these stories together it sounds like my life couldn’t get any more exciting but on a Friday sat behind my desk at my 9-5 my life is anything but. My allergies are on ten and this cup of tea I’ve just made isn’t quite cutting it.
Each day is an opportunity to add to your “Feel the fear & do it anyway” list and sometimes an opportunity to subtract from that list.
I’ve decided that bungee jumping is coming off that list because if inhaling alcohol in vapour form (thanks Chan for that weird ass experience) isn’t a high enough I don’t think I have the stamina for anything more.
Sometimes deleting items from your list doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just means that you no longer want to sleep with Idris Elba (syke) or that making lasting memories with your family is now more important than kissing a stranger in Bali.
You do not have to fulfil every generic and banal fantasy out there. Maybe your “Feel the fear & do it anyway” list includes entering that competition you’ve been too shy to participate in or belting it out at karaoke in front of strangers or even watching a movie by your lonesome (*adds to list*).
Sometimes taking stock and being present in your own life means readjusting the things you once thought would bring you fulfilment and excitement. It is okay to feel the fear and do it anyway if that means just texting your crush today!