Even before I write this post I’m almost certain this is going to be a ramble because my feelings are EVERYWHERE. I knew I was engaging in emotional warfare with ‘shit/people/places’ I didn’t like, I just didn’t know this battle was as visible and as hurtful to my opponents until my dad and a friend pointed it out. As far as I was concerned this was a silent battle.
‘You’re carrying on like a recluse’
‘You’ve gone ghost’
‘You’re here with all your family but I can tell that you’re lonely’
I can honestly say I’m rarely ever honest about how i’m feeling to the people who elicit said feelings from me. I’ll speak candidly and honestly to anyone and everyone BUT the source of pain/anger/hurt. I’d rather hide, be passive aggressive, dishonest and emotionally disconnect because dealing headfirst with the issue scares me.
I would love to get to the point of telling people up front why I’m angry or upset because selfishly that is what I would expect from others- to be open and honest with me.
Maybe I can try and confront the issue when it isn’t so fresh, ask someone else to mediate or simply deal with it and accept the consequences.
I can’t preach ethical treatment for all when I continuously push people away because my need to protect myself means I can’t see it any other way.
If it matters to you, don’t hide. Don’t hide because psssttttt everyone can smell your resentment, everyone can smell you shoving your feelings into a locked box and YUP- they can hear you throwing away the key.
The smell of emotional warfare laced in resentment is pungent . Mustering the courage to face the things that hurt you isn’t always easy but you’ve got this, I’ve got this.
So this wasn’t quite the ramble- maybe it’s because I’m listening to my favourite music and sipping on some adult juice and suddenly feeling better. I guess when all else fails maybe do a little bit of what you like before laying your battle sword down.
If you’ve seen what my eyebrows look like AFTER I’ve ‘done’ them, then it’s easy to surmise that I’m not surgeon or doctor- precision just isn’t my forte. Needless to say, if you do suffer with serious skin problems don’t take these tips as gospel, but of course if these do end up working for you please shout it from the roof tops, tell them Helen’s got the juice. Hold your breath no more here are my top tips for achieving clearer skin.
MIND YOUR BUSINESS:
I know girl, minding my business can be tough for me too. We live in a nosy world, that coupled with the fact that some of us love to overshare it can be easy to assume that everyone’s business is YOUR business. I’ve found that minding my own business means I go to bed earlier, I’m not constantly scrolling through Instagram trying to see if Ade (fictional, I assure you) still has a picture up with his baby mama from 98 weeks ago. The bonus to that is I sleep well and my cells rejuvenate themselves. Notice how a night of intense gossiping can leave you looking tired and your skin feeling ashy and dull? Yea you don’t want that. Switch you phone off and watch your skin flourish.
I noticed I was pretending to dislike getting older when I would say shit like ‘I don’t even want to do anything this birthday’ but deep down I had my guest list sorted and could not wait to party and celebrate. I noticed I was lying about being broody and being eager to be married because I didn’t want to feel weird or out of place because every woman wants these things (or so we are led to believe). Or was I pretending not to care about these things so that in the event that it didn’t happen how society expected it to happen (you know; great job, marriage, kids etc) then I could simply say ‘I’ve never wanted those things anyway’.
I know so many women for whom turning say 25, 30 and 40 was such a traumatic ordeal I almost wasn’t sure if I had to fear turning said ages. When I found myself in a romantic situation that appeared destined for marriage but my spirit didn’t agree with I knew it was time to get out and start over. As appealing as being coupled up in a society that views single lasses as ‘broken’ was, I wanted a different story if possible.
I’m exhausted. I feel drained in every way possible, every way imaginable. After a good but jerky at times start to the year I’ve decided to hit the reset button and start the year all over again so Happy Freaking New Year!
I’ve ummed and ahh’d about this post because I’ve simply not had the energy to articulate myself and I still don’t but here’s a little sumn sumn.
I talk about anxiety all the time because I live with it, even when it’s not consuming me It’s lingering in the background waiting to pounce. Sometimes I cope well and sometimes I don’t.
After a few days of not feeling quite like myself, I’m starting to feel good again. I know what my unhappy triggers are and as much as I try and stay in my ‘happy bubble’ life doesn’t always quite work like that.
I noticed my anxiety taking a physical toll on me about 4 years ago when I would have several panic attacks night after night. I had internalised so much worry and emotional trauma, my body could not cope. One of the many ways I would try to feel better if I was feeling particularly anxious was to drink excessively on nights out, or eat a ton of food I didn’t even enjoy.
For a lot of people, I think this is quite a common way of dealing with stress and anxiety- you almost punish yourself.
The brief moments of pleasure would soon give way to thoughts of shame and worthlessness and when I eventually felt like myself again I would vow never to handle my emotions so negatively. This would of course not be the case because something would happen in my life and I would be right back to partying like a Rockstar at the weekend and then suffering from some type of alcohol induced brain fog or feelings of shame after binge.
I know that some of my biggest triggers involve surrounding myself with people who do not have good energy in my opinion. This may be old friends, work colleagues or even ex flings/boyfriends. Self-preservation is important to me so I no longer willingly put myself in positions to be negatively affected by people who bring nothing to my life.