Powering through a busy day when you are also navigating internal emotional conflict is difficult A F. The pressure to be productive is overwhelming and I’m in one of those weird places where I know I could certainly do more but also feel a call to take it easy.
After an amazing 30th birthday party and an awesome week and a half away in the motherland, I was ready to return to London and put pen to paper and thoughts to action. If you know me, you know I’ve been looking for a career in anything creative/writing/content making for a long ass while. What I wasn’t ready for was the constant nagging of anxiety that is now making it extra tough to keep my motivation going.
I don’t like to say that I suffer with anxiety, I prefer to say that I LIVE with anxiety, as most of us consciously and/or unconsciously do. It’s that dull ache that lingers and echoes all your fears about things you have no control over. That irrational ‘friend’ that fears anything and everything.
My go to strategy at the moment is to identify my triggers, stay away from them or when the inevitable happens, accept that I have been triggered and MOVE ON. It’s of course easier said than done and I am the first to admit that sitting in the pockets of depression and anxiety can be delicious, in a sick twisted way.
I am well aware that when my routine goes out the window I feel less in control and I feel my most anxious. I flit in between the need to not plan anything and planning everything to a T, but for the most part routine makes life easy. I carry around my favourite journal and document my day as well as plan out my week, from work outs to meetings to sleep schedules ! When I have some sort of plan in place I feel like a boss!
Another trigger that sends me to spiralville is eating badly. By badly I mean anything I don’t really want to eat but eat out of boredom or anxiety. I have made great leaps to improve my relationship with food and thankfully I feel like it is working. I eat a plant based diet 99.9% of the time and give myself room to enjoy my treats as and when. I do feel like such a grown up when I drink plenty of water and eat my greens. I don’t deprive myself or berate myself when I have a whole pack of oreos (accidentally vegan in the UK, you’re welcome) or eat deep fried foods. If I do have a day or week that is particularly taxing and leads to poor food choices, I immediately forget about it and move forward. I don’t ‘punish’ myself with more exercise, I don’t hold back on the next meal because ‘I’ve been bad’. I let that shit go and move on. Life is too short to argue with yourself over a Chinese take away!
We all need the relationships around us to keep us going. I find arguments with the ones I love can tend to ruin my day, my week, heck even my entire month. When days with my other half are particularly tough my motivation dwindles, life loses a bit of flavour and sometimes sleeping is difficult. I am still learning to speak up about things that bother me instead of being passive aggressive and cold. I constantly remind myself that I am a bad bitch who has overcome every bad day so far. When I fuck up in these personal relationships, I take accountability, apologise and very importantly forgive myself. Spending hours going over what could have been said, what was said and what shouldn’t have been said will leave you tossing and turning all night.
Managing my triggers for better mental health is an on-going process for me. It is taking a lot of accountability sometimes for your actions and short comings and reminding yourself that life will be difficult and will sometimes take the painstaking task of pushing through. Have a great weekend lovers.