Even before I write this post I’m almost certain this is going to be a ramble because my feelings are EVERYWHERE. I knew I was engaging in emotional warfare with ‘shit/people/places’ I didn’t like, I just didn’t know this battle was as visible and as hurtful to my opponents until my dad and a friend pointed it out. As far as I was concerned this was a silent battle.
‘You’re carrying on like a recluse’
‘You’ve gone ghost’
‘You’re here with all your family but I can tell that you’re lonely’
I can honestly say I’m rarely ever honest about how i’m feeling to the people who elicit said feelings from me. I’ll speak candidly and honestly to anyone and everyone BUT the source of pain/anger/hurt. I’d rather hide, be passive aggressive, dishonest and emotionally disconnect because dealing headfirst with the issue scares me.
I would love to get to the point of telling people up front why I’m angry or upset because selfishly that is what I would expect from others- to be open and honest with me.
Maybe I can try and confront the issue when it isn’t so fresh, ask someone else to mediate or simply deal with it and accept the consequences.
I can’t preach ethical treatment for all when I continuously push people away because my need to protect myself means I can’t see it any other way.
If it matters to you, don’t hide. Don’t hide because psssttttt everyone can smell your resentment, everyone can smell you shoving your feelings into a locked box and YUP- they can hear you throwing away the key.
The smell of emotional warfare laced in resentment is pungent . Mustering the courage to face the things that hurt you isn’t always easy but you’ve got this, I’ve got this.
So this wasn’t quite the ramble- maybe it’s because I’m listening to my favourite music and sipping on some adult juice and suddenly feeling better. I guess when all else fails maybe do a little bit of what you like before laying your battle sword down.