It is okay to look out for numero uno

I’ve navigated the last few weeks with a lot of tension. Foggy nights have given way to even foggier days and general my anxiety has been quite high.

I’ve called myself ‘high-functioning’ many times because I tend to get everything that needs doing done as ‘normal’ and with minimal interruption – well until I attempt to drift off to sleep and then I’m usually plagued with frequent mini but (mostly) manageable panic attacks.

I’m trying to be as honest as possible with myself so I can discern what is causing this flurry of very negative and disruptive feelings. Whilst I’m not coming up empty I can’t quite name and shame the culprit.

I know that my near car collision a few weeks ago hasn’t made sleeping easier. My constant guilt for not having enough energy to pursue my ‘dreams’ and my fear of saying NO to helping friends and family out certainly haven’t helped either.

I am acutely aware that ‘you cannot pour from an empty cup’. So where is the relief when life simply won’t stop handing you knockout blow after knockout blow?

In the next few weeks I have decided to journal even more rigorously and set my dairy out even better. Structure is one thing I benefit from and something which has helped me deal with my anxiety. The added bonus of a to-do list is that even on the days when making my bed feels like a chore, I at least have my plans set out and can attempt to blitz said list when my energy is up and I’m raring to go.

I am hoping to drill deep into my head that there is nothing wrong with wanting to look out for myself and wanting to do things which make me happy, and sometimes that does include stepping out of my comfort zone because the alternative of hiding doesn’t make me feel good.

I’m encouraging myself to be gentler with myself. This doesn’t happen overnight, sometimes you need to actively seek spaces that encourage radical self-love. Not self-love that is devoid of accountability, but self-love that allows for deep introspect whilst allowing you to just breathe, be selfish whilst navigating life ethically and according to your rules.

I have several big events coming up in the next few weeks and in true ‘me style’ I have already worked myself up.

Will I look good enough?

Will I make it?

Will I deliver?

Am I worthy?

The non-rioting voice in my head that says affirmative to life working out just fine must get louder. I must empower that voice and keep up the work of the relentless pursuit of being free.

I endorse putting yourself first because then only can you give unto others.

Namaste

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