Friends and Orgasms

First of all, I’m really writing this post to show off my budding photographic skill. A few more weeks of lugging my camera around and taking random shots whilst um’ing and ah’ing and head tilting,  and I’ll  be a pro!

But anyhows on to the post!

I’m not sure why I feel like I’ve read and/or listened to topics concerning celibacy a fair bit this week, be it via YouTube or some of my favourite podcasts and websites. My views on celibacy have changed quite a lot and as always it’s interesting to hear why others practice it and of what value it is, if any.

When I stopped thinking of sex, sexual contact or sexual intimacy as something that HAPPENS to a woman, or is DONE to a woman my outlook on sex changed. You don’t have to look very far to hear the distorted analysis that when a woman engages in sex, often times casual sex she somehow loses her ‘worth’. How said ‘worth’ is measured is still a mystery to me. This is made even more interesting as the male counterpart with whom she chooses to have sex with doesn’t seem to suffer any negative consequences as a result of also willingly participating in said sexual activity.

In society, women’s sexual agency is not acknowledged freely and whilst I see active steps being made to assert the fact that women can have complete control of their sex lives and not be labelled all sorts, we have a long way to go. It’s 2017, the ‘hoe’ thing is boring, I’m bored of it, let’s talk about how we can be decent human beings and change the world, that’s more important.

I believe that engaging in sexual behaviour that is respectful, safe and does not harm anybody is a wonderful thing if two consenting adults want to engage in it.

Some of the reasons which I understand people decide to practice celibacy are; religion, personal morals and bad experiences which then results in people wanting to abstain from sex. For some people they believe that past sexual behaviours have not served them well in the relationship department and that by abstaining it can open the door to getting to know prospective partners on a different intimate level. I’ll be honest, I quite like that idea particularly if you think ‘rushing’ into sex (again, not entirely sure what that means) means that you lose out on getting to know somebody better along the way.

In my humble opinion, I think the real reason women in particular may subscribe to the idea of ‘celibacy until I know you won’t ghost’ is because of society’s refusal to acknowledge women’s sexual agency. If you think sex is something that happens to you, not something you are a respected willing participant of then I can see why you would want to spare yourself the humiliation of ‘giving it up’ to a ghoster.

Whilst being empowered to reclaim and enjoy my sexual agency, be it to have sex or not, what I am conscious of is not using sex as a barter system. Are you giving sex as a hope of receiving affection or a relationship in return, or are you a willing participant in a sexual relationship that is void of disrespect, makes you happy and won’t end in a way that makes you feel used. Are you seeking out partners who are honest in what engaging in a sexual relationship with them means, or are both parties on a different wave length.

Someone said something very interesting on twitter which I really know can understand. ‘Well women can fuck without feelings too’, I believe was a knee jerk reaction by women to fight back the push back on our sexual agency. I agree that some women want to engage in sex without emotional attachment, but I believe many of us would love that sex came with it some affection at the very least and heaps of respect.

I subscribe to the idea of celibacy as a means of finding direction if you feel a deep conflict with your being and the sexual activity which you are engaging for whatever reason. I love that conversations about sex keep evolving, at a slow pace, but still evolving. As always safe sex, is the best sex. Note to self. Namaste ~



  1. DiDi
    February 9, 2017 / 7:45 am

    Interesting read, Wonderfulphotography skills.

    • Helen
      February 13, 2017 / 9:42 am

      thanks hun!

  2. Kwaku
    February 9, 2017 / 11:56 am

    Interesting piece. It’s very true that a lot of women do subscribe to the notion that sex is something done to them, and not something they partake in.

    Intriguing thoughts.

    • Helen
      February 13, 2017 / 9:42 am

      thanks for reading!

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