My wig has been levitating all morning and actually in the grand scheme of things that’s my biggest worry. Well that and putting together my sister’s baby shower, trying to get on top of my work and not feeling guilty for being so unproductive the last couple of weeks (maybe months to be honest).
I got back from a girl’s holiday about a week ago and I’ve been thrust firmly into S.A. D’s hands. For those of you who are unaware S.A.D stands for seasonal affective disorder which is rife at this time of year because the season has changed. Autumn has given way to the lovely greyness (insert eye roll) which is winter which for me and millions of other people means everything feels like doom and gloom. The only thing keeping me going are festive Christmas lights and my hunt for almond milk Baileys.
I’ve spent the day engaged in internal warfare about productivity and in my quest for total honesty with myself have concluded that one of the things which affects my mood is not only feeling unproductive but being unproductive. I have therefore resolved to make a daily to do list and drumroll please………STICK WITH IT. Top of that list is to get right back into the swing of blogging and creative writing and everything in between which I love.
I’ll admit that after entering about 6 paid writing competitions and not even making it top 20 in any of these competitions my confidence took a bit of a knock. Nothing amazing happens out of comfort zones and so I’m challenging myself to write more and be unrestrained creatively.
I’ll put up a full update on my Cancun adventure soon but this was really to say hello and you’re amazing- whoever is reading this and it’s okay to say you’ve been a bum and whilst you’re striving to stay mentally sound it’s okay to give yourself a little kick up the behind to make small daily changes towards being more productive.
I’ve broken my camera whilst quad biking drunk in the desert in Dubai, engaged in a near brawl with racists, (tits nearly hanging out) in Prague and fallen in and out of love with a boy I met in Ibiza who also lived a few streets away from me in London. When I put these stories together it sounds like my life couldn’t get any more exciting but on a Friday sat behind my desk at my 9-5 my life is anything but. My allergies are on ten and this cup of tea I’ve just made isn’t quite cutting it.
Each day is an opportunity to add to your “Feel the fear & do it anyway” list and sometimes an opportunity to subtract from that list.
I’ve decided that bungee jumping is coming off that list because if inhaling alcohol in vapour form (thanks Chan for that weird ass experience) isn’t a high enough I don’t think I have the stamina for anything more.
Sometimes deleting items from your list doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just means that you no longer want to sleep with Idris Elba (syke) or that making lasting memories with your family is now more important than kissing a stranger in Bali.
You do not have to fulfil every generic and banal fantasy out there. Maybe your “Feel the fear & do it anyway” list includes entering that competition you’ve been too shy to participate in or belting it out at karaoke in front of strangers or even watching a movie by your lonesome (*adds to list*).
Sometimes taking stock and being present in your own life means readjusting the things you once thought would bring you fulfilment and excitement. It is okay to feel the fear and do it anyway if that means just texting your crush today!
I lost my virginity a couple of days before or after my 19th Birthday. Robin Thicke played in the background and when the awkward first time was over I rolled over and smiled, reporting to my diary the next day that ‘I had finally become a woman’. Mega cringe.
Coming into my own has been a difficult, rewarding, frustrating and empowering and the journey continues. At 29, I am more honest with myself than ever and suddenly excited for the future. I’ve mentioned ‘cementing my individuality’ a few times and for me that includes accepting the things I can and cannot change about myself.
Yesterday, Waterstones on Gower street hosted an evening with Grace Victory to launch her first book ‘No Filter’. I’ve been following Grace Victory for many years and can confidently say that I was one of her first subscribers when her YouTube channel was previously called ‘Ugly Face of Beauty’. When she announced that she was writing a book I knew I had to cop that shit.
The evening albeit brief was entertaining and very lovely. We took away a copy of the book and had the choice of a variety of body mists provided by the Being Sanctuary plus a cheeky glass of wine (those bad boys could have been filled to the brim though).
I feel like I’ve done many adulting type things this week for which I am extremely proud. I’ve said YES to a networking event for my job (I hate those with a passion), I said NO to biscuits because I was very full and didn’t need them (I knooowwww …. very adult), stayed on top of the news and I’ve also scheduled some events I would never have attended in the past.
Emotionally I’m continuing to navigate negative feelings even on days when everything in my being screams *HIDE MOTHERFUCKER*.
For me, getting older means getting sexier, cementing my individuality, finding and hopefully fulfilling my purpose. It also means speaking my mind and holding steadfast to things I deem true.
More important than being an AILF (Auntie I’d like to bleep) is the need to continually acknowledge that the bad days are part of life. We would not be complex wonderful beings if we didn’t have to navigate complex feelings.