It’s not even 11am and I’m having a stinker of a day, I’ve “accidentally” stepped on a few toes on the underground and muttered more obscenities under my breath this morning than I have all year. I am livid. As always, I’ve checked my period calendar so I know that a good chunk of how I’m feeling is down to my hormones doing the cha-cha slide through my body.
On another day, the fact that a co-worker made a sly dig at me would roll off my back, today I’m so enraged I’m still debating if I want to lavish them with gifts of passive-aggressiveness or body slam them through the office front door. The thought of the latter made me smile a little, but it’s good, I can handle this.
I want to embrace not being okay this morning because “c’est la vie” “peaks and troughs” and “this too shall pass” but I am very uncomfortable feeling like this. I want to have a good cry, an ugly Kim K cry, a cry where the sobs rack your body into submission. Submission that you too are human and a bad day or week or month is a given.
I haven’t had that good cry just yet and I’m doubtful that it’s coming today. Instead, I am processing my feelings by treading through them with zero elegance. I’m huffing and puffing-, typing extra loud as I write this and generally sighing every nanosecond. This unrefined release is laced in equal measure of amusement on how grumpy I feel and sadness over how confident I am that the day can’t and won’t be salvaged.
On another front, I feel like resilience and being “strong” is overrated. The amount of shit that people will put you through because they believe you possess some type of unwavering strength is comical. Performing intense amounts of emotional labour is exhausting and can sometimes leave you feeling hollow. Reserve some of that emotional labour for yourself when you need it most.
For the rest of the day I might just carry on huffing and puffing. I might just get on with it as pleasantly as I can whilst resentment and frustration steep in my being. I may decide to forget about the brewing argument with my mum this morning or I might charge home with feelings yet to be resolved both internally and externally.
I don’t quite have the answers to getting through today. I’m wading through the banalities of today with emotional uncertainty- and somehow that’s okay by me. Tomorrow is another day.