Powering through a busy day when you are also navigating internal emotional conflict is difficult A F. The pressure to be productive is overwhelming and I’m in one of those weird places where I know I could certainly do more but also feel a call to take it easy.
After an amazing 30th birthday party and an awesome week and a half away in the motherland, I was ready to return to London and put pen to paper and thoughts to action. If you know me, you know I’ve been looking for a career in anything creative/writing/content making for a long ass while. What I wasn’t ready for was the constant nagging of anxiety that is now making it extra tough to keep my motivation going.
I don’t like to say that I suffer with anxiety, I prefer to say that I LIVE with anxiety, as most of us consciously and/or unconsciously do. It’s that dull ache that lingers and echoes all your fears about things you have no control over. That irrational ‘friend’ that fears anything and everything.
My go to strategy at the moment is to identify my triggers, stay away from them or when the inevitable happens, accept that I have been triggered and MOVE ON. It’s of course easier said than done and I am the first to admit that sitting in the pockets of depression and anxiety can be delicious, in a sick twisted way.
It has only been a couple of days since Trump called Haiti, along with several African countries ‘shithole’ countries. What ensued was the usual Trump bashing and not surprising a flurry of lists of accomplishments from people from said ‘Shithole’ countries. My initial ‘yasssssss, tell those suckers’ was quickly replaced with a new concept, why do we have to be extraordinary to get respect. WH
I equated the feeling to black women constantly being referred to as strong and resilient and therefore feeling like we have to have tough skin by default. We don’t have to be.
January always seems to bring with it some pressure to perform and outperform. Your yearly plan must be neatly typed out and stuck on your office desk, fridge and bed. Your annual budget calculated to the last work lunch and your weight loss project strategized to the last squat rep.
Sometimes I want to rule the world and sometimes I just want to be an average bitch and guess what- on both occasions I deserve respect. It is exhausting having to carry around the anxiety of accomplishing everything all at once. Suddenly you over spend or forget to take your hair vitamins for a month and you send yourself into a frenzy of ‘I have failed miserably’.
I am all for motivating yourself and others around you to be the best version you can be; however, I am more recently more concerned about living a life that doesn’t restrict my self-worth to how much suffering I can endure or how many degrees I have or how fast I can whizz through my daily to do list.
It is wonderful to be productive, and it is just as wonderful to navigate this world at a pace that doesn’t make you feel worthless.
There is always some new project you could be working on, there’s always a better paid job, a new business venture you could dive into- but at what cost. Focus on doing the things that set your soul on fire but remember that even on your least productive day you are just as worthy.
Happy New Year lovers. If like me your new year started with 7 henny shots and bar hopping with an Ethiopian lass in a see-through dress, you’re probably unsure what direction the year is taking. Along with pleasant highs came heart breaking news and it’s only the 12th day of the new year.
I’m currently fighting the urge to not do everything all at once. I’ve always said I love the ‘newness’ that the new year comes with but I hate that I also have this sudden urge to be the most productive I’ve ever been. I tell everyone I’m not making any new year’s resolutions whilst I silently make a bucket list of everything I MUST accomplish. Yup, I’m a fraud!
Whilst I’m hoping to eventually wean myself off the drug that is ‘putting too much pressure on oneself’, I am keen to have a great year, another year of further self-discovery and growth. I’m writing more, I’m expressing myself more and even more importantly I’m convincing myself that all my dreams are attainable.
This year I’m saying fuck it to toxic relationships, friends and habits and embracing a new level of confidence.
You can hit the ground running in January and still come to screeching halt. You can have a slow start to the new year and find that you pick up momentum as the year goes on. The new year can bring with it all sorts of pressures and highs and lows, all of which can be tricky to navigate, but you’ve got this.
Happy New Year ~ Namaste
Whilst my biggest heart breaks this year have come from platonic friendships, things on the romantic side of town haven’t been all that exciting. Failed romantic pursuits have always come with a lesson for me and I thoroughly enjoy dissecting my past relationships- albeit sometimes too obsessively.
I feel like I’m often choosing people who don’t choose me and if I’m being honest there are many times people choose me and I don’t choose them. C’est la vie.
Through heartbreak and tears and copious amounts of vegan and non-vegan chocolate, here are some things my failed romantic relationships have taught me:
My wig has been levitating all morning and actually in the grand scheme of things that’s my biggest worry. Well that and putting together my sister’s baby shower, trying to get on top of my work and not feeling guilty for being so unproductive the last couple of weeks (maybe months to be honest).
I got back from a girl’s holiday about a week ago and I’ve been thrust firmly into S.A. D’s hands. For those of you who are unaware S.A.D stands for seasonal affective disorder which is rife at this time of year because the season has changed. Autumn has given way to the lovely greyness (insert eye roll) which is winter which for me and millions of other people means everything feels like doom and gloom. The only thing keeping me going are festive Christmas lights and my hunt for almond milk Baileys.
I’ve spent the day engaged in internal warfare about productivity and in my quest for total honesty with myself have concluded that one of the things which affects my mood is not only feeling unproductive but being unproductive. I have therefore resolved to make a daily to do list and drumroll please………STICK WITH IT. Top of that list is to get right back into the swing of blogging and creative writing and everything in between which I love.
I’ll admit that after entering about 6 paid writing competitions and not even making it top 20 in any of these competitions my confidence took a bit of a knock. Nothing amazing happens out of comfort zones and so I’m challenging myself to write more and be unrestrained creatively.
I’ll put up a full update on my Cancun adventure soon but this was really to say hello and you’re amazing- whoever is reading this and it’s okay to say you’ve been a bum and whilst you’re striving to stay mentally sound it’s okay to give yourself a little kick up the behind to make small daily changes towards being more productive.