Between my front door and the staircase where I hang my jackets is a window of opportunity to change my day. It’s often in those five steps to the outside world that I decide I need a wee, a different jacket, change of lip gloss and sometimes a change of attitude. I sometimes talk to myself in the mirror between the front door and staircase, sometimes psyching myself up for a date or talking myself out of going for a run.
Today’s dilemma was whether to grab a bottle of wine to take with me on my commute to work, sadly this bottle wasn’t for the purposes of turning 4pm into a mini rave session with the girls in marketing but rather as a crutch for which I would hold on to if the day got a bit too much for me. I of course felt silly after about 20 seconds of internal deliberation and thankfully left the house without it. I imagined swigging away all morning until I finally didn’t have to navigate the way I’m feeling today. For a second the thought was comforting, necessary almost.
I had a weird day yesterday. Feelings of low self-worth came bubbling right to the surface, that coupled with being completely embarrassed at work by colleague and drowning my sorrows in a big tub of popcorn afterwards, I didn’t think I could get out of bed this morning.
I’ve since then flitted between feelings of ‘hello boss lady, don’t let anyone ruin your day’ and ‘it’s a mess, the whole thing is a fucking mess’. I have a very bad headache and I’m ready to petition that all companies supply employees with an endless supply of skittles every month, because by God I must fill this void with something.
I’m hoping to feel a teeny-weeny bit better after hitting send on this post because saying how I feel out loud sometimes takes away some of that burden, frees up the tightness in my chest a little bit. Sometimes mitigates the shame, takes away the power that problem has over me.
I’m happy that I haven’t totally chosen destructive habits as a coping mechanism today and I’m also happy that I’m not content to shoulder how I feel today by myself because I have love and support around me and I will use it today. I might even drink 3 litres of water today because I’m convinced that’s where I get my super powers from. Maybe I’ll have a little cry, telling myself ‘you’ll be fine’ in between sobs. I might even make it to my spin class, because on Fridays, “we leave it all in the studio” (instructor’s words not mine, lol).
Maybe I will use yesterday and today as learning tools.
I reaffirm today that I am worthy of respect, I am important and I deserve to be spoken to with respect. I reaffirm that I am special and deserve to be treated as such. I reaffirm again as I do every day that I can weather today’s turbulence, with or without the grace expected.
This too shall pass.