it is okay to be a boring ass bitch

I’ve broken my camera whilst quad biking drunk in the desert in Dubai, engaged in a near brawl with racists, (tits nearly hanging out) in Prague and fallen in and out of love with a boy I met in Ibiza who also lived a few streets away from me in London. When I put these stories together it sounds like my life couldn’t get any more exciting but on a Friday sat behind my desk at my 9-5 my life is anything but. My allergies are on ten and this cup of tea I’ve just made isn’t quite cutting it.

Each day is an opportunity to add to your “Feel the fear & do it anyway” list and sometimes an opportunity to subtract from that list.

I’ve decided that bungee jumping is coming off that list because if inhaling alcohol in vapour form (thanks Chan for that weird ass experience) isn’t a high enough I don’t think I have the stamina for anything more.

Sometimes deleting items from your list doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just means that you no longer want to sleep with Idris Elba (syke) or that making lasting memories with your family is now more important than kissing a stranger in Bali.

You do not have to fulfil every generic and banal fantasy out there. Maybe your “Feel the fear & do it anyway” list includes entering that competition you’ve been too shy to participate in or belting it out at karaoke in front of strangers or even watching a movie by your lonesome (*adds to list*).

Sometimes taking stock and being present in your own life means readjusting the things you once thought would bring you fulfilment and excitement. It is okay to feel the fear and do it anyway if that means just texting your crush today!

Namaste~

THIS SHIT IS TURBULENT

Between my front door and the staircase where I hang my jackets is a window of opportunity to change my day. It’s often in those five steps to the outside world that I decide I need a wee, a different jacket, change of lip gloss and sometimes a change of attitude. I sometimes talk to myself in the mirror between the front door and staircase, sometimes psyching myself up for a date or talking myself out of going for a run.

Today’s dilemma was whether to grab a bottle of wine to take with me on my commute to work, sadly this bottle wasn’t for the purposes of turning 4pm into a mini rave session with the girls in marketing but rather as a crutch for which I would hold on to if the day got a bit too much for me. I of course felt silly after about 20 seconds of internal deliberation and thankfully left the house without it. I imagined swigging away all morning until I finally didn’t have to navigate the way I’m feeling today. For a second the thought was comforting, necessary almost.

I had a weird day yesterday. Feelings of low self-worth came bubbling right to the surface, that coupled with being completely embarrassed at work by colleague and drowning my sorrows in a big tub of popcorn afterwards, I didn’t think I could get out of bed this morning.

I’ve since then flitted between feelings of ‘hello boss lady, don’t let anyone ruin your day’ and ‘it’s a mess, the whole thing is a fucking mess’. I have a very bad headache and I’m ready to petition that all companies supply employees with an endless supply of skittles every month, because by God I must fill this void with something.

I’m hoping to feel a teeny-weeny bit better after hitting send on this post because saying how I feel out loud sometimes takes away some of that burden, frees up the tightness in my chest a little bit. Sometimes mitigates the shame, takes away the power that problem has over me.

I’m happy that I haven’t totally chosen destructive habits as a coping mechanism today and I’m also happy that I’m not content to shoulder how I feel today by myself because I have love and support around me and I will use it today. I might even drink 3 litres of water today because I’m convinced that’s where I get my super powers from. Maybe I’ll have a little cry, telling myself ‘you’ll be fine’ in between sobs. I might even make it to my spin class, because on Fridays, “we leave it all in the studio” (instructor’s words not mine, lol).

Maybe I will use yesterday and today as learning tools.

I reaffirm today that I am worthy of respect, I am important and I deserve to be spoken to with respect. I reaffirm that I am special and deserve to be treated as such. I reaffirm again as I do every day that I can weather today’s turbulence, with or without the grace expected.

This too shall pass.

Namaste

A 5 STAR EXPERIENCE IN DUBROVNIK

I spent three days in Dubrovnik just over a week ago and what can I say other than I have never seen such stunning views! For about 42 euros a night I enjoyed a 5 star experience at the Grand Admiral Hotel in a little village (population 300) in Dubrovnik. The experience was indeed 5 star. If you’re looking for a wild and crazy time then you’re probably best staying in the old town or much closer, but with shuttle going to and fro quite frequently, for under 10 euros a pop, you’re sorted either way. Just find your back quick or split the cab fare if there are lots of you! without further chit chat please pree the awesomeness!

View Post

SEX AND THE PITY

I lost my virginity a couple of days before or after my 19th Birthday. Robin Thicke played in the background and when the awkward first time was over I rolled over and smiled, reporting to my diary the next day that ‘I had finally become a woman’. Mega cringe.

Coming into my own has been a difficult, rewarding, frustrating and empowering and the journey continues. At 29, I am more honest with myself than ever and suddenly excited for the future. I’ve mentioned ‘cementing my individuality’ a few times and for me that includes accepting the things I can and cannot change about myself.

View Post

Mother dearest

This post is a complete 180 to what I had originally planned. Whilst I hadn’t set out to bash my mother I can confidently say this wasn’t originally going to be a flattering post.

I don’t know if I’ve always been drawn to particularly tumultuous relationships because of my tumultuous relationship with my mother or if it’s an excuse I’ve recently added to my list of BS psycho analysis of myself.

I love my mother dearly but we’ve had many down days, many shouting matches and such pent up resentment on both sides sometimes the only resolve has been to stay away from each other which hasn’t been hard as we live continents apart.

I’m currently en route to Barcelona by air and as always the slightest turbulence is making my stomach turn. I’m thinking about my mother today because we took many flights together when I was a little girl and I remember how safe she always made me feel. It only really just hit home how truly brave you have to be as a parent and for that I’m grateful for mother dearest. Every time a plane would do something unfamiliar I would turn to her and ask if ‘we would be okay’ and whilst I can’t quite remember what her exact responses were, I remember the feeling of calm that inevitably ensued. I felt invincible. I felt that if mummy was close nothing bad would happen.

View Post